


Redemption

by Gooseberrybrains



Series: Resolution [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Betrayal, Blow Jobs, But it's Mild, First War with Voldemort, Frottage, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Minor Character Death, Minor Violence, Sacrifice, Secret Keeper, hiding out, some torture, use of unforgiveables
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-05-15 15:14:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19298326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gooseberrybrains/pseuds/Gooseberrybrains
Summary: Sirius had always figured that he wouldn’t get a happily ever after. It just wasn’t in the cards for him. For a time, he did have hope that it could be different, but when the battles and the deaths started increasing he knew that he was out of luck. People like him didn’t get to live out their dreams. Instead, he could hope to die for his.What if Sirius Black and Remus Lupin had trusted each other during The First War?





	1. Secrets

**Author's Note:**

> Big thanks to my wonderful betas pixelated and moonllotus! This could never have happened without them!

**Chapter 1: Secrets**

 

Sirius Black was sitting at the Potters’ kitchen table glaring into his tea, fists clenched against the anger that was welling in his chest. “Prongs, I’m telling you, Moony is definitely hiding something.”

Sirius  _ knew  _ Remus was lying to him. He was disappearing for days on end and coming back looking pale and disheveled. He also never had a good excuse when asked about it.  _ Oh, I was just visiting a relative in Scotland _ , he’d say. He had no relatives in Scotland. Even if he had, it wouldn’t explain why he looked so terrible when he returned. Was said relative roughing him up and making him sleep outside? Not bloody likely.

James snorted, leaning against his kitchen counter with his arms crossed over his chest. “It’s Remus, Pads. When is he  _ not _ hiding something?”

Sirius directed his glare at his friend. “I’m  _ serious _ , James.” He quickly held up a hand. “Don’t even think about making that joke right now. That’s  _ my _ bloody joke and I’m not in the mood.”

James puffed out the breath he had taken and shrugged. “Spoil sport,” he grumbled. “Look, Padfoot, just talk to him ok? Knowing Moony, he’s probably doing that whole self-pitying martyr thing by keeping it to himself. I’m sure it’s fine. He’s our friend and he wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize that.”

Sirius sighed and picked at a chip in the mug he was holding. “Yeah, alright. I just wish it wasn’t like pulling teeth trying to get him to talk to me. Shouldn’t he trust me by now?”

“It’s not that he doesn’t trust you. He’s just very guarded with everything, you know that. And he probably thinks he’s doing this out of some misguided attempt at chivalry, or something ridiculous like that.” James strode over to him and put a hand on his shoulder, shaking him slightly. “You said he told you he’d be back tomorrow, yeah? So when he gets back, ask him about it. Confront him. It’s no good just letting it fester.”

“Fucking hell, Prongs. Having a sprog has really done a number on you, hasn’t it? It’s like I don’t even know you anymore. You’re so bloody mature now.” Sirius stood up from the small table and ducked the punch James threw at him. “Later, mate! Let me know how your meeting with Dumbledore goes.”

~*~*~*~

The two men were standing on opposite sides of the living room in the flat they shared. They had been arguing for the better part of an hour, ever since Remus walked through the door looking dead on his feet with bits of twigs and leaves stuck in his hair.

“God damn it, Remus!” Sirius exploded, pulling on the ends of his hair in frustration. “Tell me what the fuck is going on! This whole world is going to shit, and you keep disappearing…” His voice cracked, so he cleared his throat and tried again. “Please, you’re one of my best friends and I don’t want to lose you.”

Remus sighed and looked away from Sirius’ pleading stare. “I- I can’t. Dumbledore swore me to secrecy.”

“Fuck Dumbledore!” Sirius shouted. “When have we ever kept anything important from each other? I have always trusted you with my life and I thought you trusted me with yours! Are you really saying that you can’t trust me with this?” He closed the distance between them and put a hand against Remus’ heart. “Can’t you feel how important this is?” he asked.

Remus squeezed his eyes closed and leaned his forehead against Sirius’. “Of course, I can. How do you always make it so hard for me to say no to you?”

Sirius let out a breathy laugh. “I wish that were true, but we both know that you say no to me all the time.”

Remus smirked. “Practice makes perfect, as they say.”

Sirius rolled his eyes and let his hands rest on Remus’ hips. “So out with it then. What is this big secret Dumbledore has you keeping?” He felt his friend hesitate and persisted, “James is worried about you.  _ I’m  _ worried about you.” The  _ I love you _ lingered on his tongue, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it.

“I’m fine, Sirius. I can take care of myself,” Remus sighed. “Dumbledore has asked me to try to infiltrate some of the werewolf packs and persuade them to join the fight with The Order.”

Sirius stumbled back from him in shock. “Are you fucking kidding me?” He burst out. “No wonder Dumbledore didn’t want you to tell us! That’s fucking crazy, Moony! You could be killed!”

“So could any of us!” Remus exclaimed, throwing his arms wide. “Doing any of the things we have to do in this bloody war! At least this makes me useful! No one else can do this but me!”

“Just because you are the only one who can doesn’t mean that you should!” Sirius argued. “You have no one to back you up out there. He is completely isolating you by asking for this.” He stepped forward grabbing scarred hands in his own and rubbed his thumbs over the knuckles. “I don’t like it.”

Remus huffed out a laugh. “You don’t have to like it, Pads.” He pressed his cheek against Sirius’ and the two of them stood still and quiet for a moment as Sirius thought about everything he couldn’t change.

The door to their apartment banged open and a voice rang out. “Oi! Wankers!”

The two men startled apart and looked toward the newcomer. “You could knock, Prongs. What if we had been naked in here?” Sirius asked with a grin.

“Wha- Why would we be naked?” Remus stuttered.

James laughed, walking into the room and flopping down on their sofa. “We’ve shared a dorm for seven years. I don’t think I could see anything that would shock me.”

Remus rolled his eyes as a faint blush spread across his cheeks. “Don’t say that, James. You might as well have issued a challenge.”

Sirius’ eyes sparkled. “Too right you are, Moons!” He rubbed his hands together with glee. “This will take some thinking on.”

“Yes, well it will have to wait. You guys free for dinner? Lily and I need to talk to you about something important.”

“Of course!” Sirius chirped while Remus nodded along. “We’ll come by ‘round six?”

“Sounds good,” James agreed as he rose from his seat. “I’ll leave you two to your nakedness now.”

“There is no nakedness!” Remus shouted after him as Sirius barked out a laugh.

~*~*~*~

James and Lily Potter lived in a small cottage in Godric’s Hollow. It had flowers winding around the picket fence that enclosed the yard and there were pots overflowing with colorful blooms lining the walkway to the front steps. This is where two of the four marauders appeared with a crack at five minutes to six. They headed up the walk, the man with long dark hair sticking a foot out to trip his companion. He laughed as the curly haired man pushed him away in exasperation. Remus knocked on the door and as it was opening, shoved Sirius hard into the flower bed. He smiled broadly at Lily when she appeared, holding a dark-haired baby on her hip.

“Hi, Remus! Is Sirius not with you?” the redhead asked, surprised.

“Right here, Lils,” Sirius called, standing up from the shrubbery and brushing dirt off his clothes.

“And people think you’re the mature one,” she scolded, shaking her head at Remus. “I’ll never understand it.”

“They don’t know me like you do,” Remus said with a grin.

“Hi-ya Prongslet,” Sirius cooed at Harry, swiping him from Lily’s grasp and carrying him further into the house. “Where’s that insufferable father of yours?”

Lily smiled and ushered Remus into the cottage behind him. “Dinner is ready. We should sit down and eat because we have a lot to talk about.”

“No Peter?” Remus asked when they joined James and Sirius in the dining room.

“Nah, his mum’s not well,” James answered with a shrug.

Sirius rolled his eyes. “He’s always got some excuse these days.”

Lily cleared her throat as they all sat down at the table which was already laden with food. “Could we please get on topic? I’d like to get this over with as soon as possible.”

“Is everything alright?” Remus asked with concern.

James ruffled his hair, looking uncomfortable. He sighed and leaned back in his chair. “It’s about our meeting with Dumbledore. You know about the prophecy, of course?” At their collective nods, he continued, “Well, according to Dumbledore’s source, You Know Who has made a choice.” He paused and took off his glasses to rub a tired hand over his face. “It’s Harry. He’s chosen our Harry as the boy with ‘the power The Dark Lord knows not.’” He wiggled his fingers at the quote.

“What?” Sirius stood abruptly, knocking into the table as he did so. “What does that even mean, James?”

“It means,” Lily answered for her husband, “that You Know Who will come after us. To try to kill Harry. Dumbledore thinks that we should be hiding under the Fidelius charm.”

James rose from his seat and rounded the table to rest a hand on Sirius’ shoulder. “It means we will need a secret keeper. We wanted to ask you, Pads.”

Sirius’ heart felt like it froze in his chest. “Bloody buggering hell,” he breathed. “I, uh, I need a minute to think about this.” He headed toward the front door, ignoring the low exchange of voices behind him.

He sat on the front steps and pulled a pack of smokes from his jacket pocket. He knew he was being a bit dramatic but he couldn’t help it. It seemed like everything just kept getting worse for his friends. Marlene and Dorcas were dead, Remus was throwing himself to the literal wolves, and now James’ son was being targeted by the madman who had started this fucking war.

He pulled a cigarette from the pack and lit it with a wave of his wand. Truthfully, he was terrified. He could jump into the fray himself without a second thought, but he was so afraid of losing his friends. They were the only family he had left and they meant the world to him.

He was staring into the darkness when he heard the door open behind him. His shoulders tensed but he made no move other than to take another drag off his cigarette. He exhaled slowly as the door clicked shut and James came to sit beside him.

“Alright, Padfoot?” He asked, bumping shoulders with his friend.

Sirius snorted, “Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” He flicked the cigarette butt away and pressed the heels of his palms to his forehead. “Fuck… Just… Fuck! When did everything get so messed up?”

James slung an arm over his shoulders and sighed. “It’s been shit for a while now, Pads. And you know it’s all been a long time coming. It can’t last forever; we just have to get through this.”

Sirius fumbled another smoke from his pocket and lit it, grumbling, “What if we don’t make it through this, Prongs? I mean, we’ve all got targets on our bloody backs. You and Lils and the squirt can’t leave the house now and Moony is being sent to the werewolves—”

“Werewolves?” James asked sharply. “So, you talked to him then?”

Sirius exhaled a plume of smoke. “Yep. Dumbledore has him trying to get the werewolf packs to join The Order,” he scoffed. “And of course, Moony bloody thinks he owes it to him to do it. He’s going to get himself killed.”

James snatched the cigarette from him and took a drag. “Shit.”

Sirius pointed a finger at him. “Exactly. We’re all fucked. And I’ve never felt so bloody useless in all my life.”

“You’re not useless. We are all just doing the best we can in shitty circumstances. Besides, being our secret keeper would be very useful.”

“But that’s the thing, isn’t it?” Sirius said, taking his cigarette back. “I’m not even useful as your secret keeper. It’s too obvious, James. Who is the first person everyone will think of when they find out you are hiding under a Fidelius charm?”

James raised his eyebrows at him. “Are you saying you don’t want to do it?”

“I’m saying I  _ can’t _ do it. James, I would protect you and your family with my life, you know that. But my life isn’t enough in this case. If they find me and they kill me, you are exposed again. You need to ask someone else.”

His friend looked at him for a long moment. “What do you suggest, then? There aren’t many people I would trust with my family’s well-being.”

Sirius chewed on his thumbnail while he mulled it over. “Remus. You should ask Remus. He will be in deep cover doing this blasted werewolf recognizance for Dumbledore anyway. No one will know where he is or be able to find him. We can still let people believe that it’s going to be me, and I will go into hiding after it’s done. Let me be the decoy. It’s the best thing I can do right now.”

James let out a long breath. “It makes sense. Fuck, I hate putting you guys in danger for us.” He covered his face in his hands and groaned. “If it was just for me, I would never… But Harry…”

“I know, Prongs. But you’re my brother. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for your family. Same goes for Moony, I’m sure.”

~*~*~*~

The night before they were due to cast the Fidelius charm on the Potter’s cottage in Godric’s Hollow, Sirius was sprawled out of the sofa waiting for Remus to return with takeaway Chinese. This was the last night that things would be normal for a long time. After tonight, Remus would be joining another werewolf pack in the north and would be unreachable, James and Lily wouldn’t be able to leave their home or send owls, and Sirius was leaving his job as an Auror and would be laying low at an apartment he had rented in Muggle London just for this purpose.

He assumed Peter would be staying with his mother. They had barely seen him in the last few months. And while Peter knew about the Fidelius charm, they had stuck with the decoy story of Sirius being the secret keeper even with him. Peter did tend to let things slip when he was supposed to be keeping mum about something after all. They had felt it was better not to risk it.

Sirius thought that the only thing keeping him sane was the knowledge that this wouldn’t be forever. He just didn’t know how long he could last holed up in an apartment by himself without his friends to talk to. Still, he knew he was the lucky one in this scenario. At least he could leave when he needed to and at least he wasn’t going to be undercover with a pack of werewolves that would rip his throat out if he angered them.

He swung his legs off the couch and headed to the kitchen. He needed a drink, or maybe several. He grabbed a tumbler from the cupboard and poured two fingers of fire whiskey. He threw back the contents of the glass and poured another before lighting a cigarette. Sirius walked back into the living room and threw himself down in a squashy armchair. He inhaled deeply on his cigarette and tried not to think about how fragile everything was right now. For tonight, he just wanted to pretend that everything was ordinary.

The door creaked open and Remus stepped into the entryway carrying a large brown bag. He smiled at Sirius and spread an assortment of takeaway containers on the coffee table, then he disappeared into the kitchen and came back with his own glass and the bottle of fire whiskey.

Sirius raised a brow at him. “Drinking on a school night, Moony?”

“Oh, stuff it, Pads,” Remus laughed, tossing a pair of chopsticks at his friend. “This is probably the last chance I will have to relax in a long time, so I’m damn well going to take it.”

Sirius frowned at the reminder. He gulped down the last of his whiskey and reached for the bottle again. “Can we not talk about that tonight?”

Remus sighed. “Sure.”

They ate dinner mostly in silence, as both were too consumed in their own thoughts to participate much in conversation. After the food was finished and the whiskey bottle was half empty, they were both lounging back on the couch. Sirius was feeling pleasantly buzzed and if the blush spreading across Remus’ cheeks was any indication, so was he.

Sirius found himself staring at his friend’s hand which was resting on the cushion between them. All his foggy brain could comprehend was that he wanted to caress those long fingers. He didn’t even bother to stop and think about why.

Reaching a tentative hand out, he stroked his fingertips down the length of the other man’s forearm. The muscles twitched under his touch and Remus’ hand turned palm up as Sirius’ fingers reached it. He dragged them lightly across that palm, tracing the lines there before swirling over a scar that cut across his wrist. He repeated this action a couple more times, marveling at how amazingly rough the skin felt, and how badly he wanted to feel those rough hands on his body.

He finally chanced a look up and his movements faltered. Remus was staring back at him with dark, heavy eyes and his breath was puffing out through parted lips. Sirius’ could have sworn his heart stopped for a second as the two men stared at each other.

“What are you doing, Pads?” Remus’ voice was husky and low when he spoke, and it caused a spark of heat to shoot through Sirius’ abdomen.

“I don’t know,” he whispered, leaning forward to close the distance between them. The hand that wasn’t entwined with Remus’ came up to touch his jaw, grazing over the stubble and then running down the side of his neck.

Remus made a quiet whimpering sound and then lunged at him. Suddenly, they were kissing frantically, fueled by fire whiskey and pent up tension and a deep desire that had lain buried for years.

Sirius moaned and pulled clumsily at the hem of Remus’ shirt. His hands contacted skin and he ran them up a toned chest before bringing them down to dip into the waistband of Remus’ jeans. He curled his fingers into the fabric and used it to yank Remus flush against him. Remus growled and bit down on his bottom lip before sucking on it.

Sirius’ hips jerked forward, hands still gripping tightly onto the waist of his jeans. Their erections pressed together through the barrier of cloth and both men gasped, pushing against each other again. Sirius frantically pulled at the buttons blocking his access and sighed in ecstasy when his hand slid inside the confines of Remus’ pants to grasp his hard cock.

“Oh, fuck,” Remus hissed, thrusting into Sirius’ hand.

“We’ll do that next,” Sirius gasped into his neck before licking the hollow behind his ear.

“Nnnggh,” Remus moaned, throwing his head back.

He began fumbling with Sirius’ belt when a sharp tapping sound made them both freeze. They stared at each other for a moment, breathing heavily, when the rapping noise came again. Looking toward the window, they saw the Potters’ owl waiting to be let in.

“Bloody buggering hell. I’m going to fucking kill Prongs for his bloody awful timing,” Sirius swore, stumbling off the couch and to the window. He let the owl in and took the letter from its claws before tossing the bird a treat from the bowl on the side table. He unfolded the parchment and skimmed it before looking up at his friend. He dearly wanted to burn the missive and forget all responsibility when he did. Remus’ lips were red and puffy, and his jeans were undone with a large bulge straining to escape his pants.

Sirius took a deep breath and pressed a palm against his own prick, willing the throbbing to subside so he could think clearly. “James wants us at the cottage. Something must have spooked him because he wants to do the charm tonight instead.”


	2. Lies

**Chapter 2: Lies**

 

Sirius threw another packet of crisps into his basket and wandered down the next aisle of the Muggle shop. Grocery shopping was really his only opportunity to leave his flat these days, but he still hated it. Such a mundane thing, but it only reminded him of everything he was missing. He had no cooking skills to speak of and was used to relying on Remus or Lily for his meals. Now, he had to stay hidden in Muggle London while Remus was undercover with the werewolves and Lily and James were tucked safely away in their protected cottage. This left Sirius to depend on crisps and pot noodles for sustenance. Not to mention that walking among the Muggles who were blissfully unaware of the danger surrounding them always put him in a bad mood.

It had only been two weeks since they cast the Fidelius charm on the Potters’ home, but it felt so much longer than that. Sirius really had nothing to occupy his time, so he spent most of his days (and nights) obsessing over his last night with his friends while the Muggle telly blaring in the background was largely ignored.  

When he and Remus had arrived at the Potters’ looking distinctly flustered and refusing to make eye contact, James was too distracted to notice. He just pulled them both into the sitting room, already talking rapidly and pacing the floor.

“Ok, so I had to go out tonight to finalize a few things with The Order and pop in on Alice and Frank,” James began, waving his arms wildly as he explained. “Lily said she saw a few men skulking around the neighborhood— Death Eaters, surely. We don’t think they know which house ours is, but they are too close. We need to do this now.” 

They had agreed, of course, and the awkwardness between them was put on hold long enough to cast the spell. That only lasted until they got back to their flat, however. When they were standing face to face trying to work out how to say goodbye to each other, things got decidedly more uncomfortable. Sirius wasn’t sure where they stood or what any of this meant for the future, or if they even _had_ a future. It was hard to know what would happen after they parted ways.

They had stood there, just staring at each other for several minutes before Sirius had broken the silence.

“Promise me that you’ll be careful, Moony,” he had whispered. 

Remus nodded, looking solemn. “You too, Pads. Don’t take any stupid risks, ok? I don’t want to come back and find out you’ve gotten yourself killed.” 

Sirius had watched him a moment longer as he tried to decide what to do. “Fuck it,” he muttered as he took Remus’ face in his hands and kissed him. Remus responded immediately and their tongues twined with all the desperation they were feeling. Sirius hoped that everything he felt was communicated through that kiss because he couldn’t find the words to express it. 

When they finally separated, Remus had shouldered his duffle bag and told him, “I won’t say goodbye.”

Sirius had smiled slightly and cupped Remus’ cheek. “How about good luck instead?”

“Good luck,” Remus agreed, and he turned on the spot, disapparating with a crack.

Sirius felt like he had a permanent ache in his chest since that night. The memory of Remus’ lips against his haunted his thoughts and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t quite swallow down the fear that kept welling up in his throat.

He paid for his groceries with a twenty-pound note and took his bags with a nod to the cashier. It was a ten-minute walk home normally, but he walked so slowly that it was almost twice that before he unlocked the door to his flat with a Muggle key. Sirius dropped his bags on the table and put the kettle on. He lit a cigarette while he waited for the water to heat up and dropped a tea bag into a chipped mug. He rubbed his forehead with his thumb and forefinger and tried to dispel the headache that was forming. How long was he meant to carry on with this monotonousness while Moony was out there risking his life? He never was any good at being idle. 

The kettle whistled shrilly and he picked it up, dividing the hot water between his mug and one of the pot noodles he had purchased. He carried both items into the sitting room and placed them on the coffee table. Settling onto the sofa, he clicked on the telly to drown out the loud static of his thoughts. 

Hours later, Sirius jerked awake flushed and gasping, and with a raging hard on. He was on the couch, the telly still blaring as the last wisps of his dreams clung to him like smoke. He groaned as his hand found its way into his pants and began stroking his cock. Most nights his sleep was interrupted by dreams. Sometimes they were nightmares of his friends dying. Sometimes, like tonight, he dreamt of fucking Moony into the couch like he had wanted to do two weeks ago. These nights he could have a wank and fall back asleep. The others… well, he was not so lucky. 

The pace of his stroking increased as he remembered the feel of his dream. Pushing deep inside of Remus’ heat as legs wrapped around his waist and teeth bit down on his neck. Feeling the muscles spasm around his length as Remus came. A couple more jerks and he was coming, wet and sticky on his hand and clothes.

 

~*~*~*~

 

Sirius’ eyes flew open, his wand already in his hand and pointing toward an imaginary enemy as he sat up. His heart was racing, and his breath was coming in harsh gasps, but he finally recognized his surroundings as the Muggle flat he had been staying in. It was only a nightmare. There wasn’t anyone here with him. His friends were safe to the best of his knowledge and he was alone. He cast a Tempus and then put his wand down on the bedside table. Four AM. He sighed, rubbing his hands over his face before climbing out of bed. He knew he would never get back to sleep now. The images of James’ dead eyes and Remus’ mangled body would haunt him for the rest of the night.

He lit a cigarette as he walked into the kitchen to put the kettle on. He wished he could at least talk to his friends. Maybe if he had proper reassurance that they were okay, his mind wouldn’t keep imagining the worst. They couldn’t risk the owls though, because it was too dangerous if they were spotted. And with Sirius in a Muggle building and Remus in the forest there was no way to Floo each other, either. It was safer this way, he knew, but he still hated every second of it.

He poured a splash of whiskey into his tea, brought it to the small kitchen table and sat down heavily. He needed to stay positive and he needed to keep himself occupied. He was definitely going stir crazy here. If he’d been the type to jog, surely he would have been running laps around London by now. Unfortunately, his pack a day habit made that sort of cardio a bit of a struggle, but that didn’t stop him from taking another deep inhale from his cigarette. He had very few coping mechanisms right now and he was damn well keeping them. It did give him an idea, however. He gulped down his spiked tea and dropped his cigarette in the empty mug. 

He walked into the sitting room and pushed the coffee table out of the way. Laying down on the carpet, he put his hands behind his head and started curling up to meet his knees and then moving back down to the floor. So, maybe he didn’t run, but he could do sit-ups and push-ups and whatever else until he passed out. It was the best plan he had, anyway. At least, then maybe he could sleep.

 

~*~*~*~

 

The next evening found Sirius in much the same place as those before it. He was sitting on the couch with a mug of whiskey in one hand and a cigarette dangling from the other. The telly was on again— this time on some sitcom with a terrible laugh track. Over a loud burst of canned laughter, he heard a knock on the door. Sirius stilled immediately. He was not expecting anyone. He was never expecting anyone. In fact, there were only a couple of people who even knew where to find him. 

He put down the mug and the smoke, clicked off the telly, and grabbed his wand as he headed toward the door. On the other side stood Peter, his head looking rather big and misshapen due to his proximity to the peephole.

Sirius’ eyebrows raised in surprise as he watched Peter try to look through his side of the peephole, his eye getting comically large. “Wormtail? Is that you?” he called through the wood. 

“Yeah, it’s me,” Wormtail answered, still blinking owlishly at the door.

“Why did the entire Gryffindor Quidditch team call you princess for all of fifth year?” Sirius questioned, fingers tightening around his wand. 

Peter’s giant eye looked rather put out by the question and his voice sounded annoyed when he answered. “Because you and James shut me in the locker room whilst I was wearing only a tutu and a tiara.” 

Sirius laughed loudly and opened the door to let him inside. “What brings you by, Pete? I can’t tell you how stir crazy I have been going around here by myself!” 

“I just wanted to check up on you, see how you’re doing,” Pete replied, his watery eyes darting around the flat. 

“I’m doing much better now that you’re here! Want a drink?” Sirius asked as he clapped his friend on the back and led him into the sitting room. 

“Um, sure. Whatever you have is fine,” Peter murmured, taking a seat in a faded armchair. 

“You got it!” Sirius called over his shoulder as he headed into the kitchen. He returned a moment later with a second mug and a bottle of whiskey. “I’m afraid I can only get the Muggle stuff right now,” he apologized, waving the bottle in the air. 

“That’s ok,” Pete said, accepting the mugful of amber liquid. “I can only stay for one drink anyway, then I have to get back to my mum.” He took a hesitant sip and grimaced slightly. 

Sirius threw himself down on the couch and took a large swallow out of his own cup. His cigarette had burned down in his absence, so he stubbed it out in the ashtray and took a new one from the pack on the table. He held it out toward Peter who shook his head in refusal before shrugging and lighting it himself. He took a deep breath in and exhaled while asking, “So what’s life like in the outside world? I feel like I’ve been cooped up for ages already.”

Pete shrugged. “It’s mostly the same. Though Moony seems to have disappeared…” He trailed off. 

“What do you mean disappeared?” Sirius asked, feigning ignorance. 

“Well, I went by your old flat last week and he wasn’t there. It doesn’t look like he’s been back at all either. And no one I’ve asked has seen him or seems to know where he might be. It’s… bizarre.” Peter frowned in thought and took another sip of his drink. 

“I’m sure he’s still around. Maybe you just keep missing him?” Sirius suggested. He flicked the ash off his cigarette and then leaned back against the couch. 

“Maybe…” Peter said doubtfully. “It’s just- Well, I’m not sure we can trust him anymore.” 

Sirius fought to control the anger that surged forward at the suggestion. He knew he couldn’t let on that he knew exactly where Moony was and why he had disappeared. It was too risky to tell anyone, even Pete. Instead, he made a noncommittal grunting sound and shrugged his shoulders. 

Peter shifted uncomfortably and turned his mug in his hands as he avoided Sirius’ gaze. “I mean, You Know Who is rumored to be recruiting werewolves. It’s possible that he—” 

At that, Sirius couldn’t contain himself. “Don’t even say it, Pete. Remus would never turn on us. He’s not a traitor.” He all but growled the words and was satisfied to see his friend flinch back in fear. 

“Right. S-s-sorry, Padfoot,” he stuttered still looking down at his hands. 

Sirius sighed and rubbed his chin. “Look, let’s just talk about something else, ok?”

Peter jumped at the change of subject and immediately launched into a monologue about how living with his mother was driving him crazy and how much he wished he didn’t have to stay there. Sirius only half listened as he had heard many variations of this same complaint over the last two years. He and Remus had tried to persuade Peter to move into their flat on many occasions before, but Peter always said that he didn’t want to leave his mother alone and they had eventually given up. Sirius rather suspected that Pete just needed someone to boss him around. 

He was mostly thinking about Remus, and how close he had come to doubting him when he knew he wasn’t being told the full truth. He had never thought Moony was a traitor though, and it made him cringe to think that he might have eventually come to that conclusion if he hadn’t learned the truth. He was glad that Remus had confided in him and glad that they could still trust each other in these dark times.

“And you should see all the children running around in costumes out there.” Pete was saying when Sirius tuned back into him.

“Costumes?” Sirius asked in confusion. “Why would they be wearing costumes?”

Peter looked at him incredulously. “It’s Halloween. Blimey, surely you haven’t been stuck in this place so long that you don’t even know what day it is!” he exclaimed.

Sirius shrugged. “It’s not like I have anywhere to go or a reason to keep track. All the days just sort of blend together.” 

Peter looked like he was steeling himself for something and was fidgeting quite a bit in his seat. 

“What’s up, Wormtail? Just spit it out.” 

Pete glanced up at him quickly before looking back down at his still mostly full mug of whiskey. “Alright. I wanted to ask you if you could tell me James’ address so I could go visit them.” 

Sirius stiffened and looked at him sharply. “You know where they live.” 

“Well, yes, but with the whole Fidelius thing, I need to be told again by the secret keeper, don’t I?” Peter asked, confused.

Sirius rolled his eyes. Leave it to Pete to completely misunderstand how the charm works. ‘Fuck, Pete, don’t you ever pay attention when someone is talking to you?” he asked in exasperation. “You already know where they live. The Fidelius charm doesn’t erase that, it just keeps anyone new from learning it. _You_ still know where they live; you just can’t tell anyone else.”

Peter frowned in thought and set his mug down on the coffee table. He tucked his hands in his pockets and looked up at Sirius. “So, I can just go there then? Are you sure?” He wrinkled his nose and hunched his shoulders. “Maybe you should write it down for me just in case? So, if I get there and I need it, I won’t have to make a second trip?” 

Sirius’ expression darkened. “Are you bloody mad? What if that paper got into the wrong hands? It would be foolish to risk that for your lazy arse!” He waved a dismissive hand in the air. “Besides, I’m right about this. You won’t need the damn paper.” 

Peter sighed and shook his head slowly. “I’m really sorry about this, Padfoot.”

Sirius glanced up from his whiskey and his brow creased in confusion. “What do you—” 

He didn’t even finish the question before his friend of a decade pulled his wand on him, a jet of red light hitting him in the chest. The chipped mug fell from his hand and shattered on the floor, whiskey seeping into the carpet as he collapsed back against the sofa and his world went dark.


	3. Sacrifice

**Chapter 3: Sacrifice**

 

“ _Enervate_.” 

Sirius’ eyes flew open and he sat up so quickly it made his head spin. His eyes fell immediately on the person who had spoken the spell to wake him. 

“Wormtail, what the fuck?” He hissed as he raised an arm to clutch his throbbing head. He heard a metallic rattling sound as he did so and looked down at his hands. His wrists were wrapped in iron bands with thick chains connecting to his ankles and then to the wall behind him. 

He looked back up at Peter. “What the _actual_ _fuck_ , Pete?” he shouted in disbelief. 

“I- I’m sorry, Sirius. I had no choice. The D- Dark Lord wa- wants James’ son out of the way. You- you wouldn’t give me their location so that I could deliver it to him. So, I- I had to deliver you instead.” Peter stuttered as his eyes darted about the small cell they were in. 

Sirius lunged at Peter, pulling hard against his restraints in his effort to reach him. “You cowardly traitor! How could you betray your friends like this?” 

“What else could I do? He- he would have killed me, Sirius.” Peter pleaded with him. 

“Then you should have died!” Sirius roared at him. “Died rather than betray your friends, as we would have died for you!” 

“There is nothing to be gained by resisting him!” Peter protested weakly. “He is taking over everywhere. You have no idea the weapons he possesses!” 

“There is _everything_ to be gained by resisting him!” Sirius insisted angrily. “What about the lives of your friends? James and Lily _love_ you, Peter. They would do anything for you, as would Remus and I, and this is how you repay us?”

Peter flinched away from him and backed toward the door. “I’m sorry,” he repeated before leaving Sirius alone in the echoing silence. 

“Fuck!” Sirius bellowed as he pulled on his chains again trying to reach the door. “Come back here, you fucking rat! I’ll kill you myself!” A sob tore from him and he fell to the stone floor as his knees buckled underneath him. His fingers clutched at his hair as he hunched over, and he bit his lip trying to hold back any further cries of anguish. 

Peter had betrayed them all and he had done it willingly, just to save his own hide. His friend of the last decade, one of The Marauders, had just sold him out because he was too cowardly to stand up for what was right. Sirius couldn’t quite believe it, though he himself was the living evidence of Peter’s duplicity. He had been stunned and brought to this dungeon (for it could only be a dungeon) because Peter thought he was the secret keeper for Godric’s Hollow. Peter thought that Sirius could be persuaded to give up his friends like he had done, but Peter didn’t understand the strength of the loyalty Sirius possessed. He _would_ rather die than betray his friends, and he suspected he would soon get the chance to prove it. 

It was true that Sirius couldn’t actually tell Voldemort the location of Godric’s Hollow since he was not really the secret keeper. It hardly mattered since he had no intention of giving up the actual secret keeper as Peter had done either. As long as everything he knew died with him, James and Lily, Harry, and Remus would be safe. Peter didn’t know where Remus was or what he was doing, and if Voldemort couldn’t get to Remus, he couldn’t get to the Potters.   

He had known it was a possibility that he would be captured when he suggested being the decoy secret keeper. That was why he had been hiding out in Muggle London after all. He just never thought that it would be Peter who would do it. He had let his guard down completely around his friend, had trusted him implicitly, hadn’t even questioned his motives. He felt like such a fool for never suspecting it of him. He had been so quick to question Remus when he knew he wasn’t being completely honest with him, yet he had never once thought Peter capable of such deceit. Sirius supposed it was because he seemed so harmless most of the time, but even then, his cowardice was no secret. It was only that ratting out his fellow Marauders to a teacher over some silly prank was a far cry from betraying those same friends to the enemy during a war. Not that it mattered now, Sirius told himself. He was still here; a prisoner in a cell awaiting his execution.

Sirius waited on the cold stone floor for what seemed like hours. When he finally heard the door creak open, it wasn’t Peter standing on the other side. A tall man in black robes and a Death Eater mask waved his wand at the chains binding Sirius. They detached from their anchor in the wall and wound tightly around him. His arms were pinned to his sides and he teetered unsteadily as his legs locked together. With another wave of the man’s wand, Sirius found himself being levitated through the threshold of the small cell and into the corridor beyond. 

He was taken through many twists and turns in what appeared to be a vast underground labyrinth. The walls and floors were made of carved stone with the only light coming from the lit torches that lined the tunnels. They traveled for a good ten minutes before rising up a set of narrow stairs into a large and luxuriant looking drawing room. Sirius barely acknowledged the elaborate surroundings, however, as he was much more focused on the two men standing in the center of the room. 

“Sirius Black, welcome. We are so glad you could join us, aren’t we Wormtail?” A tall, thin man greeted him silkily. This could only be Lord Voldemort as the dark hair and red light to his eyes matched descriptions Sirius had heard in hushed conversations. If that didn’t make it obvious enough, the sheer magical power radiating off him would have given it away. 

“Y- yes, My Lord,” Peter squeaked, trembling like a leaf from his huddled position on Voldemort’s left side. 

Sirius snarled wordlessly at Peter and then turned his defiant gaze toward the man addressing him. 

“Oh dear, you are not nearly as polite as your brother was, are you?” Voldemort drawled. “Though what else is to be expected from a Gryffindor and a blood traitor. You truly are a disgrace to your family.” 

Sirius’ lip curled in disgust. “There is no greater compliment you could give me.” 

“You are a reckless one, aren’t you, Black?” Voldemort laughed. “Now, you know why you are here. Is it really necessary for me to go through all the usual threats before you give me what I want?” 

“No, it’s not,” he agreed. Peter looked up at him in shock and Sirius sneered at him before meeting Voldemort’s gaze again. “I will _never_ give you what you want. So, you may as well save yourself the trouble and kill me now.” 

“ _Diffindo_ ,” Voldemort hissed, flicking his wand almost carelessly at him. 

The chains holding Sirius fell away with a clatter and with another flick of Voldemort’s wrist, a gash opened up on his cheek. Blood immediately welled up and dripped down his face and he raised a hand to wipe at it before flicking his middle finger at Voldemort.

“ _Crucio_!” A beam of red light shot from the yew wand held tightly in bony fingers and hit Sirius square in the chest. 

Sirius fell to his knees, screaming involuntarily as blades of white-hot pain seemed to pierce his skin. He felt like he was on fire, one giant nerve being rubbed raw. When the haze finally lifted, he struggled to push himself back to his feet and meet the eyes of his attacker yet again. 

“Is that the best you’ve got?” Sirius rasped, his voice hoarse from yelling. “My mother can cast a more effective _Crucio_ than that.” 

“You filthy, insolent, blood traitor!” Voldemort spat with rage. “You will learn some respect!” 

Another swell of pain crashed over Sirius and he collapsed to the marble floor again. He could feel his limbs twitching as waves of pure fire pulsed through his body on endless repeat. He tasted blood on his tongue as his teeth cut through his lip from the violent convulsing. His vision blurred until he squeezed his eyes shut and he tried to distract himself from the pain.

_‘Think of Remus. Think of James. Think of anything else.’_ He was doing this for his friends, for their lives and their freedom. He would endure any amount of pain for them and die a thousand deaths if that’s what he had to do. He supposed that in some ways his dismal childhood had prepared him for this moment. Sirius had already endured more torture and unforgivable curses than most people his age. He had persisted through unfavorable odds and suffered through countless agonies in his short life. Remus, too, had prevailed through constant pain and disappointment. This was one of the reasons they were so close; they understood each other. 

He remembered how self-conscious Remus had been about his scars when they were kids. Remus used to withdraw into himself and try to hide every mark on his body in shame. It wasn’t until Sirius had pulled his T-shirt off in frustration one night, forcing Remus to look at the scars on his own body, that Remus finally started opening up to him. ‘ _You’re not the only one with scars, Remus. You’re not the only one that has to endure pain on a regular basis,_ ’ he had shouted at him. ‘ _You don’t want to be pitied and neither do I. Let’s make a pact. We will never pity each other for our scars, but neither do we have to be alone in this.’_ From then on, they had shared a strong bond that he wouldn’t trade for the world. 

Sirius had always figured that he wouldn’t get a happily ever after. It just wasn’t in the cards for him. For a time, he did have hope that it could be different, but when the battles and the deaths started increasing he knew that he was out of luck. People like him didn’t get to live out their dreams. Instead, he could hope to die for his. 

The pain ended abruptly, and Sirius struggled to push himself up on his arms. He spat blood onto the fancy marble and tried to reign in his breathing. 

“Have you had enough yet?” Voldemort’s voice echoed through the fog in his mind. 

“Never,” Sirius gasped, his voice quiet and scratchy with pain. 

A violent swipe of Voldemort’s wand and three deep cuts opened up across his chest. Sirius hissed and turned to look at Peter who was watching him with horror etched across his face. 

“This is the side you would choose, Pete?” he whispered. “A monster who thinks nothing of the lives of others?” 

“Enough!” Voldemort bellowed. 

The white-hot burn raced across his nerves again and he was lost to it. Flashes of Remus’ face flew through his mind. His soft green eyes, curly brown hair and crooked smile. Sirius hoped that Remus wouldn’t be too angry with him when he returned to find that Sirius had indeed gotten himself killed. _‘I’m doing this for you,’_ he thought before he fell into unconsciousness. 

Unsure how much time had passed, Sirius was jolted back to an unfortunate reality by a sharp kick to the ribs. He curled in on himself and wrapped his arms around his midsection. Blood bubbled up on his lips as harsh coughs wracked his body. 

“Sirius,” a meek voice called out. 

Sirius twisted his neck to look towards the voice, too weak to move any further than that. Peter was watching him with pleading eyes that were full of fear. 

“Sirius, please,” Peter repeated, “Just tell him what he wants to know. You don’t have to die.” 

Sirius choked on a laugh, his entire body trembling with it. “That’s where you’re wrong, Pete. I absolutely do have to die. Not only because I will _never_ help him hurt our friends, but because I’m not naive enough to think that he wouldn’t just kill me anyway if I did.” He took in a shuddering breath and continued, “And if you think that he won’t kill you too the moment you are no longer useful to him, then you aren’t as clever as we always gave you credit for.”

Voldemort stepped in front of Sirius’ line of sight at that moment, interrupting anything else he might have said. “Time’s up, Black. I tire of these games. Will you be telling me where the Potters’ are hiding, or will I be killing you now?” 

With great effort, Sirius rolled his eyes. “Just kill me already. I’m tired of listening to you whinge.” 

Voldemort snarled as he raised his wand arm and Sirius started thinking his goodbyes to his friends, only regretting that he would never actually get to say them in person. His mental apologies were cut short, however, by the sudden appearance of Peter stepping in front of him. Sirius looked up in shock, hardly daring to believe that he wasn’t hallucinating. 

“Wormtail, what do you think you’re doing? Step aside,” Voldemort commanded with an impatient wave of his arm. 

“N- n- no,” Peter stuttered. “I- I ca- can’t let you do th- this.” Peter was shaking with fear, but he stood his ground, shielding Sirius from his master. He didn’t have his wand drawn but his hands were in tight fists at his sides. 

“Move aside, Wormtail,” Voldemort snapped with palpable anger. 

“No,” Peter all but whispered, closing his eyes tight but not moving away. 

“ _Avada Kedavra_!” 

The green jet of light shot through the air and Peter’s lifeless body crumpled to the ground. 

“No!” Sirius shouted and he crawled forward on his hands and knees to Peter’s corpse. He looked up at Voldemort with hatred burning in his eyes. “You unbelievable asshole!” 

Voldemort raised a careless shoulder in a shrug. “He was hardly a useful soldier. Though he did surprise me with that small burst of Gryffindor rashness at the end, I admit.” 

With Voldemort’s wand now aimed directly at him and no other possible distractions, Sirius took his old friend’s lifeless hand in his own and looked into the soulless eyes of the monster standing before him. 

A blinding flash of green burned through the air and a tremendous rumbling echoed around Sirius. His entire field of vision narrowed down to that sickly green color, then blackened until he knew no more.

 


	4. Scars

**Chapter 4: Scars**

 

Sirius awoke to a plain, white ceiling coming into focus above him. He moaned at the piercing headache that came next and then shouted in surprise when a big pair of hazel eyes blocked out everything else from his line of sight. 

“Fuck me, James!” Sirius gasped, clutching his pounding head with one hand and his racing heart with the other. 

“No thanks, Pads. You look like shit,” James helpfully pointed out from his position hovering by Sirius’ shoulder. 

“James!” Lily’s voice scolded from somewhere to his left. 

James shrugged meekly and backed up out of Sirius’ personal space. Sirius sat up slowly, feeling a bit dizzy, and glanced around the room. It was very sterile, and very white. So, a hospital room then. Lily was sitting behind James, frowning disapprovingly at her husband as she bounced Harry on her knee. She murmured something to him under her breath and James left the room after one quick look back at Sirius. 

To his right, Remus was perched at the edge of his chair appearing exhausted and more unkempt than the last time Sirius had seen him. Even so, his heart skipped a beat when they locked eyes. 

“Moony,” Sirius whispered, “Am I dead? I feel like I should be dead.” He wracked his poor, abused, brain trying to remember how he had ended up lying in this hospital bed. He remembered pain, lots of pain, and a bright flash of green light. 

Remus gave him a small smile. “No, Padfoot, you’re not dead. You were hurt pretty badly, and you’ve been unconscious for a couple of days now, but you’re going to be fine.” 

There was an odd hitch in Remus’ voice when he spoke that instantly made Sirius suspicious. He narrowed his eyes at his friends. “What happened?” 

Before anyone could respond, James returned followed by a harried looking medi-witch. She poked and prodded at Sirius with her wand while muttering under her breath. She pushed several potions at him and glared until he drank them all. Seemingly satisfied, the medi-witch scribbled some notes the chart she was carrying and hurried back out of the room. 

Lily cleared her throat and took a steadying breath before answering him. “Well, no one is quite sure. You were found bloody and unconscious in the rubble of Malfoy Manor. Almost the entire building had been flattened in an outward arc from where you were lying. You were… you were the only survivor.” 

The memories rushed at Sirius all at once. His friend, his betrayer, stunning him and leaving him chained in a dungeon. That same Judas shielding him from Voldemort’s aim and ultimately taking the killing curse for him. 

“Pete,” he whispered. “Peter’s dead.” 

Three pairs of sad eyes stared back at him in silence until finally James spoke, his voice cracking. “We know. When you were found, you were lying next to Peter’s body. What happened, Sirius?” 

Sirius couldn’t bear to look at them while he recounted the events of that night. He pressed his fists into his eyes and began the story with Peter coming to visit him at his flat, how he had pretended that he just wanted to check in on James and Lily, and then how he had stunned Sirius and brought him somewhere else. James had shouted in outrage at this part and had tried to protest. But Sirius had looked up at him then, unshed tears shining in his eyes, his voice trembling and James backed off almost immediately. Lily clutched his arm and Remus made a small noise in the back of his throat but didn’t interrupt. 

Sirius told them how he had stood before Voldemort and Peter, and endured the torture forced upon him rather than give up his friends. Then he told them how Peter had a change of heart and tried to stop Voldemort from murdering him.

“He died trying to protect me,” Sirius sniffed. “Stupid bugger didn’t even have his wand drawn.” Sirius shook his head in disbelief but faltered when another more pressing issue occurred to him. “Wait. What happened to Voldemort? Are you sure it’s even safe for you all to be out of hiding?” 

His friends exchanged glances again before Remus answered him this time. “Well, that’s the thing, Sirius. Voldemort is gone. People are saying he is dead.”

 

~*~*~*~

 

Two days later, on his birthday, Sirius was finally allowed to leave St. Mungo’s. Remus had told him that there were nonstop celebrations going on in Wizarding Britain, but he hadn’t quite realized the magnitude of it until he was no longer confined to his hospital room. He stood watching the chaos from his bedroom window as people shot sparks into the air from their wands and feathers floated down onto the streets from the multitudes of owls flying through the air. They all seemed so happy, but Sirius couldn’t bring himself to rejoice with them. He was mostly too numb to feel much of anything. 

He turned away from the window and began pulling his dress robes on over the black button-down shirt and trousers he was wearing. He was struggling to fasten his cuffs when there was a light knock on his door and Remus stuck his head inside. 

“Alright, Pads?” he asked. “We’ve got to be heading out in five minutes.” 

“Yeah, help me?” he asked, holding up his wrists where the fabric gaped open around them. 

Remus shook his head in exasperation, but he was smiling as he moved toward him. “And what would you do if I wasn’t here?” 

Sirius shrugged. “Die, probably.” 

Remus took in a sharp breath. “Don’t even joke about that right now,” he hissed. 

“Sorry,” he mumbled. 

Remus gripped his shoulders and pressed their foreheads together. “I was so close to losing you,” he whispered. “The fear of it still paralyzes me.” 

“I’m sorry,” Sirius repeated, and he clutched onto Remus’ biceps. “I just… I don’t know how to _be_ right now.” 

“I know,” Remus murmured. “It’s okay, Sirius. I don’t think any of us really do.” 

“I missed you,” he breathed as his lips brushed against Remus’. “More than anyone or anything else. I missed you.” 

“I missed you too. You were all I thought about,” Remus admitted right before he kissed him. 

Sirius returned the kiss in earnest and wrapped his arms around him. He had dreamt about this every night since they had parted ways, but being here and kissing Remus was better than anything he was able to imagine. He sunk himself into it now, taking comfort in the embrace of the man he loved. 

Much too soon, Remus pulled away from him and reached for his forgotten cuffs. He buttoned them with nimble fingers and then kissed Sirius softly once more. 

“We’re going to be late and Lily is going to throttle us,” Remus pointed out. 

“Yeah, let’s go,” Sirius sighed with reluctance and motioned toward the door. 

They met Lily and James at the cemetery just as the last trickle of people were filing through the gates. Lily gave them a warning glare but said nothing as they moved toward the open grave with the rest of the stragglers. 

The casket was open and Peter’s pale face was visible to the left of his mother’s weeping form. Sirius grimaced and urged his friends toward seats at the back. He really didn’t want to draw attention to himself, and thankfully Remus seemed equally willing to keep a low profile. He sat with Remus on one side and Lily and James on the other, and he immediately reached out to take Remus’ hand and laced their fingers together. Another smaller hand grabbed his left arm and he smiled weakly at Lily as he tucked her arm into his. 

Sirius kept his head bowed as he listened to the officiant speaking, his sentences punctuated by Mrs. Pettigrew’s harsh sobs. The remaining three Marauders and Lily had agreed that they would keep Peter’s betrayal between them. He had done the right thing in the end, and they didn’t want his memory tarnished by his weakness. Because of this, Peter was being awarded an Order of Merlin medal posthumously by the Ministry. He was being hailed a hero for his assistance in defeating Lord Voldemort and was receiving all possible honors in death. He would have been thrilled, Sirius thought. 

Much later, after they had paid their respects to Peter’s mother and watched the first dusting of earth fall onto the coffin, the four of them were gathered in the Potters’ sitting room. Sirius was sitting with Remus on the sofa, their knees just touching and an open bottle of Ogden’s between them. 

James was sprawled in a squishy armchair smoking a cigarette he had pinched from Sirius and holding his own fire whiskey. “I’m so bloody pissed at him,” he said with finality, as if there had been an ongoing discussion about it. 

Sirius laughed bitterly and took another swig out of the whiskey bottle. “You’re not the only one, mate. I mean, what gave him the right to turn on his closest friends? And how dare he go and die before I could kill him for it? And now we’re supposed to mourn him? What a fucking asshole!” He paused in his rant when Remus put a calming hand on his knee, and he looked up to see everyone staring at him in concern. He was so conflicted that he didn’t know what he was feeling anymore. One minute, his heart was breaking for the loss of his friend and the next he felt like he was drowning in his rage. 

Sirius rubbed his forehead in frustration and took a deep breath. “I’m fine, guys, really.” 

Lily was watching him worriedly from her spot on the carpet as she leaned against James’ legs. She reached over and patted his other knee. “No, you’re not, but you will be. It’s okay to be angry, Sirius. I think we are all both angry and sad. Things will sort themselves out eventually. It just takes time.” 

He ran a hand through his hair and nodded. “I know, really I do. It’s just... hard,” he finished lamely. 

“Part of me is relieved,” Remus whispered, “and I feel so damn guilty for that, but I can’t stop it.” He looked at Sirius and continued, “If it had to be a choice between the two of you, I would choose you every time.” 

Sirius took Remus’ hand from where it lay on his knee and squeezed it. He opened his mouth to respond in kind but was interrupted by a projectile pillow hitting him in the face. 

“Get a room!” James shouted at them, effectively breaking up the tension that had built and causing them all to share a smile.

 

~*~*~*~

 

The weather had officially taken a turn toward winter now that it was coming up on mid-November. Sirius was walking back to his flat with his hands tucked into the pockets of his leather jacket and his head angled down against the wind. James, Lily, and Remus were supposed to be taking him out into Muggle London for his birthday tonight. The celebration was a couple of weeks late due to obvious reasons, and Sirius had wanted to forget about it completely but his friends had insisted. They were all supposed to be meeting at the flat later,  but he was hoping to have a proper talk with Remus before that. Things had been a bit stilted between them lately and Sirius suspected it was because neither of them were really sure where they stood in their relationship. They were friends of course, but it was so much more than that. 

The last few weeks had been full of brief touches, heated glances, and the occasional brush of lips, but it never progressed past that. Mostly, he had been feeling too broken to push their relationship and Remus had a tendency to deny himself things he felt he didn’t deserve. 

Sirius didn’t know what the future held any better now than he had before the war had ended. He had a suspicion that it wasn’t going to get easier for him, but he was tired of dancing around his feelings. He wanted a chance at happiness, and he wanted that with Remus. 

He quickened his pace as their flat came into view and jogged up the steps to the door. Suddenly, he felt as though he couldn’t wait another second and he burst through the entry way at such a speed that Remus appeared in the threshold to the kitchen with his wand drawn. 

He looked at Sirius in befuddlement as he slowly lowered his wand, a tea box clutched in his other hand. “What on Earth, Pads?” He asked in alarm, “What’s going on?” 

Sirius kicked the door shut without looking back at it, eyes glued to Remus as he stalked closer. 

“Do I have something on my face?” Remus’ brow furrowed in confusion as he watched Sirius walk toward him. 

“No, but you’re about to.” 

Sirius lunged at him, pressing him into the wall and kissing him hard. He heard a clatter as Remus dropped his wand and the tea box in favor of burying his hands into Sirius’ long hair. The feeling when their tongues touched was electric and Sirius couldn’t get enough of it. 

He moaned at the loss when Remus pulled away from him long enough to gasp out, “You know, I should turn you down on principle for that horrible line.” 

Sirius smirked against Remus’ neck and began peppering wet kisses down the length of it as he answered. “You wouldn’t dare.” 

Remus moaned and his head hit the wall behind him as he arched into Sirius’ touch. “I hate it when you’re right.” 

Sirius laughed breathily and shrugged off his jacket before pulling his shirt over his head in one smooth motion. Remus’ jumper followed them after a quick tug and Sirius pressed him harder against the wall as he slotted a thigh between Remus’ legs. 

He pushed against the bulge he felt there and moaned against Remus’ mouth. “I really want to fuck you through this wall right now.” 

Remus thrust his hips forward and gasped in response. “Then why don’t you?” He bowed his head to lick wide lines along the new diagonal scars that ran across Sirius’ chest. 

“Fuck, Remus, keep doing that and I might forget why I want to wait,” Sirius hissed. He hastily unbuttoned his own jeans and then Remus’ and roughly shoved them down until their bare cocks pressed together. He grasped Remus’ length in his hand and swiped his thumb across the tip before stroking him firmly. 

“Oh, no you don’t,” Remus commanded before grasping Sirius by the biceps and spinning him until his back was the one against the wall. Before Sirius could get his bearings, Remus had dropped to his knees and taken Sirius’ cock into his mouth. 

“Oh, fuck,” Sirius swore, letting his head fall back and his hands tangle into soft brown curls. His eyes fluttered closed as he felt Remus swirl his tongue along the length of him. It felt so good, and he had been fantasizing about this for so long that he didn’t think he would be able to last. He resisted the urge to thrust forward as Remus took him in even deeper. He looked down to see Remus’ head bobbing over his cock and moaned. 

“I’m gonna come if you don’t stop doing that,” he warned with a gentle tug at the hair clutched in his hands. 

Remus tilted his head up just enough to make eye contact with Sirius through his lashes and then sucked hard. Sirius gasped as his whole body jerked with the force of his orgasm. Remus kept working him until Sirius couldn’t stand it any longer and pulled him to his feet. Sirius kissed Remus deeply, relishing the taste of himself, bitter and salty on his tongue. He grasped Remus’ still rigid cock and began stroking him feverishly. 

“I’m so close, Pads,” Remus gasped against his mouth.

“Fuck, yes,” Sirius moaned. “Come for me, Moony.” 

Remus whimpered and shuddered against him as he came in pearly white strands across Sirius’ hand and stomach. They kissed lethargically as their heart rates began to slow back down. They were still standing there— pants around their ankles, semen across their stomachs, against the wall in their hallway— when James came barging through the front door without knocking. 

“Oi, Wank- oh, sweet Merlin, my eyes!” James shrieked, spinning around to face away from them. “What the fuck! In the middle of the hall? Have you no shame?” 

Sirius burst out laughing. “I bloody told you to knock last time, didn’t I? I said there could be nakedness. _You_ claimed that there wasn’t anything you could see that would surprise you.” 

“Yes, well, I was wrong! Clearly, I have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about,” James exclaimed still facing away from them. “Can you two go put some damn clothes on? Lily will be up here any minute.” 

They quickly pulled their pants back up before Remus grasped Sirius’ hand in his and tugged him toward the bathroom, his face beet-red with embarrassment. Sirius laughed the whole way through cleaning up and stealing kisses from a traumatized looking Remus. 

That is, until he caught sight of his reflection in the mirror. His laughter died in his throat as he stared back at himself. 

Remus glanced over at him and frowned. “Alright, Pads?” 

Sirius pried his gaze from the glass and turned to look at him. “Yeah, I just- I’m still not used to seeing it. It surprises me every time.” 

Remus nodded in understanding. “I know. But a wise man once told me that scars are badass, and I happen to think that this one is particularly badass.” Remus leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the lightning bolt shaped scar on Sirius forehead. “This just makes you that much more of an original, Sirius Black.”

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Please note that I will be posting a sequel to this fic very shortly. Come find me on tumblr for updates!


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